A decade seems like a long time..

Again this blog is probably more for the writer than the reader.. feel free to journey through Maria's emotions today  :)
Not a December 5th or December 11th goes by without me remembering 2004's December. It's different now that it's 2014.. 10 years since a sweet and precious soul entered life this side of heaven, for a brief but purposeful stay. I doubt that birthdays are very important in eternity.. but since I'm still bound by this thing called time- I found myself reflecting on Clint Lucas's little life today.. what would have been his 10th birthday.

19 years old, an EKG tech as a sophomore in college- I worked all night while my body was unexpectedly preparing to give birth to a little boy.. I had no idea that I was in labor until my trip home in the morning when I realized my stomach "hurt" every 2 minutes. That day was a blur- back to the hospital, shipped emergently to Akron Summa hospital (Akron Children's was a mile away)- after barely making it there, I delivered a sweet baby boy- in my mind he was going to be dead on arrival- I remember being shocked to hear a tiny voice- one little cry.. he was alive! They were able to intubate him and "stabilize" him enough to transfer him to Children's. "Name?" someone asked- "Clint Lucas" I said- still somewhat in shock that this was all happening. 12 inches long and 1 lb 7oz are not great measurements for a new life. For some reason I thought they'd just whisk him away.. but they got me in a chair and let me see him before the transport. (For some mom's that would be the last time their child was alive to be seen- so many things that can go wrong) It was one of the most precious moments of that whole week to come- A mother seeing her baby for the first time- so thankful he was alive.. I remember that moment very vividly, everything else went away and I was in love. So thankful to even have a moment to touch this sweet baby.. still numb to the reality of the situation, I knew I'd been given a gift.. moments with a soul who had been created in my womb by a God I was desperate to know better.

Clint was shipped to Children's then and I had to stay at the hospital I was at until later the next day. That night once everyone else left so I could sleep I remember weeping for what seemed like a long time. The exhaustion and reality of what was happening kind of found me that night. The emptiness in my life from not having Christ in my heart was probably more evident that day than any other time. I remember pleading with God for this little boy's life... my own heart full of questions and wanting peace that only the Holy Spirit can give.
Today, as I held my 13 month old, 25+ pound sweet Jones Theodore as he slept (I honestly cannot remember the last time he slept on mamma- but today was a really sweet day for that to happen) My heart was so full of thankfulness. Mostly for the PEACE in my life now- no longer an empty soul in need of redemption- I am evidence and living proof of the power of God. If He can redeem my life, he can redeem anything. It's good for me to remember what God has brought me through. I do not live in the past anymore- but at the same time our past has some things to remind us- for me this means remembering to be SO thankful for the grace and mercy I've been shown. I'm still desperately in need of Jesus on a moment to moment basis.. the difference is that he now has taken up residence in my soul. And Clint.. you can find him on the streets of heaven... I'd never wish him back.